Are You Truly Compatible?
by Cappy Silver, LCSW
If you are examining your past relationships to see why they haven’t worked, have your eye on someone and are wondering whether to explore a relationship, are already in a relationship and having your doubts, read on …
1. Make a list of many traits that you desire in a partner. Distinguish between the negotiable and non-negotiable, realizing that these can change over time. Now ask yourself, “How much can I broaden my thinking?” If six figures, over six feet tall, dark, handsome, a doctoral degree, no previous marriages and a tolerance for your two cats are non-negotiables, that’s your call, but you might be spending much time alone. If non-negotiables are sense of humor, bright, lives healthily, wants to have kids, respects my churchgoing, and isn’t more than five years older than me, you might be getting out more.
2. Do not get involved with her/him because he/she is an amazing sex partner. What exactly has this got to do with actually liking her/him — from the heart and from the mind? This takes a lot of willpower, but there is a strong correlation between keeping your clothes on and maintaining the ability to filter out substandard prospects. So be straight with yourself. Is she/he fine looking or is he/she a fine person?
3. Are you infatuated with someone that you don’t like very much? It happens. Have you become attached through months (or even days) of physical contact with someone who, in all honesty, is really not such a kind person? Are you craving her/his touch but cannot respect his/her behavior? As your physical attachment and hormonally triggered feelings of love deepen, your approval of her/him as a human being may actually be lacking. Get out now! Now. It only gets more difficult to extricate yourself later.
4. In our grandparents day marriage was supposed to mean forever. Does it to you? Can you even fathom it? Try. Imagine him/her in one of those computer-programmed progressive aging pictures. Project forward a decade at a time. Keep on until you get all the way to at least 85 years old. With the phenomenal advances in modern medicine you might actually be around that long. If he annoys you so incredibly much now, how do you think it’s going to be after the accumulation of decades of annoyance or frequent, contemptuous conflict? Could be fifty years. SIXTY years. Now picture the two of you together. How does that feel – – (besides your horror at your wrinkles)? If you find these images to be welcome that speaks very well to the potential viability of your long-term relationship.
5. Ask yourself, “If it were 3 a.m. and I were in the ER, is this the kind of person I could rely on to jump into his car to come help me? Does she have the stuffing to care for me should I become ill or befallen by tragedy? Would I want to do these things for her?”
6. This last consideration is so simple that it is easily overlooked. How do you get along? Are you just plain compatible? Are you relaxed around each other? Can you hang out without frequent tension, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and bickering — this includes the passive-aggressive, muttered, stabbing in the back kind of fighting. Beyond the excitement, is there goodness there? It all boils down to compatibility, affection and goodwill. This is possible. This might sound surprising coming from a couples therapist but happy, healthy couples really do exist.
