Myth Busting: A Dozen Myths Worth Dispelling

by Cappy Silver, LCSW

1. There Is Something Very Wrong With You If You Are Not Married With Children By The Time You Are 40.

Before declaring the unmarried person as a pathological disaster area one needs to consider the uniqueness of her/his familial history, personality, experiences, and cultural milieu. A person may be ready for the marital endeavor, not neurotic, and yet just not lucky enough to have an acceptable mate fall from the sky onto the sidewalk before him/her. There is some serendipity involved. Additionally, it may be the frustration borne of search fatigue, and not a serious mental health issue, that serves to perpetuate the very status of singlehood. Perfectly upstanding citizens can find themselves uncoupled.

2. You Are Warped And Deficient If You Do Not Want To Be Married And Have Children.

Successful marriages and parenthood are difficult enough to achieve when a couple is passionately inspired to pursue these roles. Those who have the courage to opt out of this expectable societal role can be as helpful, learned, and moral as anybody else. There are, of course, certain religions that disagree with my espousal. I respect those who adhere to such doctrine; however, gutsy nonconformists do excel at keeping the divorce rate down and militate wisely against over-population, delinquency, poverty, and the creation of unhappy families by refraining from producing unwanted children. It is difficult and courageous for such people to buck humiliating pressure and hurtful judgment placed upon them.

When interacting with potential paramours, the only moral imperative incumbent upon independent-minded individuals is complete honesty regarding their lack of traditionality, or, at least, their ambivalence regarding nuclear families. But we would hope for such honesty from all people, regardless of their relational preferences.

3. You Are Lame If You Search For Partners On The Internet Or In The Classifieds.

You are not pathetic — you are a product of your era. Cultures evolve to assimilate and reflect technological advances and commercially based economies. The use of mass research tools and communication devices was inevitable. The Internet, classifieds, and other technological information innovations are today’s tools in our increasingly stressful and compartmentalized world. We live in non-community based pods of privacy yet still wish to commune with others of like spirit. We end up in the therapist’s office, rather than relaxing at the church social. Our individual biospheres, particularly in the dark and cold of winter, are not conducive to meeting and mingling.

The #1 place for people to meet is the workplace and #2 is the Internet. For many workers there simply is no water cooler conversation to be had. Advertisements afford the privilege, and it is a privilege, not a punishment, to meet others who you would never otherwise, meet.

4. If After One Year You Are Not Engaged, You Are In A Bad Relationship.

There is a commonly held belief in our culture that if 365 days have transpired following your first date and you are not yet engaged, it is time to question the viability of the relationship. The absence of wedding bells at the one year mark might signify that the couple is cautious; wishes to get their ducks in a row; is going through a time of great stress, hasn’t seen enough of each other to make an enormous decision; hasn’t much money; is encountering family, career or geographic obstacles; or any one of a great number of possibilities.

Given the absence of the big announcement, we surmise that one or both parties must suffer from Fear of Commitment Disease. This condition is common, but the 12-month rule does not prove the existence of this dread disease. Branding the slower-acting party as obstructive will not serve to seal the deal. If one or both of the couple really do have FOC and feels that doing something about this is in her/his best interests, some visits to a friendly local therapist may ease the discomfort for everyone involved.

Failure to adhere to the typical one-year deadline may signal a problem, but is this fear generalized, or is it specific to the situation? Chill. Would you not rather know that she has a raging anxiety disorder, or that he has a major substance abuse problem before you are on your honeymoon?

5. To Have A Good Relationship You Must Have A Great Deal In Common.

Having things in common is overrated. Enjoying each other’s presence and personality is underrated. Respecting the things that you do not have in common and respecting the treatment that the other person affords you and the world are imperative.

By pursuing your respective interests there is little need for guilt and tears, as long as you are not avoiding or taunting each other. It matters not that he drinks fine wine and she prefers bourbon. It matters not that he plays tennis and she fishes. It matters not that she likes sci-fi and he likes comedies. You can compromise and get some of your recreational needs met elsewhere. You can be flexible and employ your sense of humor to make peace with your inherent differences.

You might want to open up and try something new. Who’s to say that someday you might not like picking up a brush while he stands on the bluff painting his watercolors? What’s to say that you might not enjoy curling up next to her reading your Sports Illustrated while she watches Meet The Press? Stretch your imagination to believe that others can have different thoughts, feelings, activit, es and preferences without being negligent or wrong. Allowing your unique selves to coexist establishes a balance of individuation and closeness. This balance optimizes harmony.

Children believe that they are the center of the universe and that they can dictate the responses to their desires. Adults know better. Adults outgrow this child-like narcissism and can see that their needs for silence, activity, repose, and sociability can be different. We all come in different flavors.

6. Having A Soulmate Is The Pinnacle Of Romantic And Lifelong Fulfillment.

Maybe. Maybe not. It is a lofty and understandable goal that many people dream of linking lives with a soul mate, however, refusing to fill your partnership position with anyone short of this restricts your talent pool to a minuscule percentage of the population. The ticket to success is compatibility, affection, passion (for most), goodwill and trust. That blend is a pretty tall order; why burden it even farther by striving to locate the ephemeral soul mate?

Soul mates can share a symbiosis of glorious depth, fulfillment, fun, and productivity, and they can forge a fabulous life together. But the opposite is also true. Chemistry is very cool, but when deeply enmeshed lovers become obsessed with each other they may lose contact with the outside world, alienating friends and family. Plenty of soul mate couples live life on the dark side of the spirit and cannot stand autonomously. Feeling extremely close does not necessarily signal your arrival on a higher plane of mental health.

As unromantic as this may sound, there are many persons with whom you might be able to secure an excellent bond. There is not only one Messianic fantasy figure. This should be good news; not bad. I am not suggesting that you shouldn’t aspire to find your soul mate, but that you endeavor to broaden your vision of who might ultimately be a good match for you. If you are truly compatible you can be matched and your souls can be happy and at peace with themselves and each other.

7. Falling In Love Is Uncontrollable.

Don’t kid yourself. Falling in love is one of the few things in life over which you do have control. Sounds rather unromantic I know, but, please, consider my counsel. This is going to save you a lot of tears in the future.

How does one avoid the miserable, and even chronic, pitfalls of kamikaze romance? You have got to read what you heed. It’s not easy, but it is smart.

When you look back at the first few hours, if not minutes, of having met your paramour, did you not hear a tiny squeak of wonder or worry in the back of your mesmerized mind? Next time listen harder. It’s there. Looking more closely at a botched love relationship, you will remember doubts, perhaps seemingly small, you had about the wisdom of continuing on. Was it your desire to become a couple or your belief in the fundamental goodness of the other person that kept you together? Were you so concerned about whether the person was appreciating you that you failed to ask yourself if they were good for you in other ways?

If you are angry, depressed, anxious, or otherwise emotionally overloaded, you may be inclined to distort the nature of the interaction that is transpiring. Step back, observe, slow down, and ask yourself and the other person the delicate, nuanced questions. It is not necessary to badger, but get the information you need to make an informed decision as to whether or not your intuition should reign. Most often it should. There is a chasm between hoping and knowing.

Wild horses might not have been able to drag you away, but you could have dragged yourself. Mark Twain said ( something like) “if you find yourself in a hole, just stop digging”. Romance is no exception.

8. You Will Never Contract HIV-AIDS Or Any STD’s.

Really? Do you have that in writing? When it comes to STD’S nobody over age eleven should even think about invincibility. As a therapist, I hear about wanton carelessness and its horrific consequences. (As a point of interest, some of the most impulsive, idiotic risks are taken by medical personnel.). There is a commonly held and insanely stupid belief that just because somebody has a college degree, bathes daily, and a mutual friend has told you about her/his previous relationships, you are immune to the cornucopia of foul diseases that you really do not want to get. This is not strictly a class issue. Rich people get it, too.

NB: Do you know that an HIV test is completely invalid if not taken, at least, 2.5-3 months after the last possible exposure? If your partner states that he/she was tested do you know if the test was actually conducted and that the results were valid? Get your tests at the same time, so you see that they have really taken place. I do not wish to instill paranoia or unwarranted mistrust, but there is no other human behavior as lied about as sex. Play safe.

In Chicago, you can receive an anonymous HIV test at the Howard Brown clinic at 4025 No. Sheridan Rd. Ph.: 773-388-1600. Appointments are required, but your identity is never known. You can also speak to your personal physician about the possibility of anonymous testing and the confidentiality of your results.

9. It Is Necessary To Be Handsome Or Gorgeous To Get Somebody Interested In You.

Do not use this dejected, powerless notion as an excuse to give up and watch Netflix all weekend. Look around. There are people of all sizes, ages, shapes, and hues enjoying each other’s company. Having said that, I cannot deny the reality that the older a woman is, the tougher it is to find men who are interested in her. As time goes on there is a trend toward a greater number of men with more open minds about age, but I will not sugar coat this hurtful dynamic.

When you feel unacceptable you must fight, fight, and fight some more to elevate your mood and activity level. And please, those of you who have single friends, make an effort to find them a special someone.

10. She Will Change. He Will Change.

She/he will change according to my hopes, dreams, and desires once they realize how worthwhile it is to keep this relationship going and to make me happy! He’ll change if only I act perfectly and set the perfect example of how a person should be treated. She’ll change if only I wait long enough. Don’t hold your breath. Some people never change, some change a little, some get worse and some accomplish tremendous changes. You do not, however, have the power to know which will be the case for you and your special someone. For now, assume that what you see is close to what you’ll get. Consider carefully if you wish to spend your vital life forces praying and toiling for transformation. The world just may pass you by.

11. You Can Permanently Land Somebody With Sex.

Rare. Very rare. Actually, immediate hot sex may assist somebody in taking you for granted and in not bothering to get to know you. This may sound prudish, and you might know good couples that have started this way, but more often this race to the bedroom, or the kitchen floor, results in a truncation in the exploration of the whole person package.

Likewise, You Can Change Someone’s Libido. If only. There are many factors, which combine to determine one’s interest in sex and these factors may wax and wane. Primary are innate hormone levels, pheromonal emissions and reception, and other as-of-yet- unnamed and unknown biochemical processes. There are innumerable interpersonal and historical features requiring consideration (e.g. abuse, trauma, guilt, depression, anxiety or lack of sexual education). The level of passion during the initial infatuation may or may not represent typical sexual interest and excitation. Libidos cannot be counted on to change according to your wishes. Scope it out.

12. It Is Not A Problem If You Drink And Drug Together, As Long As You Are Enjoying It.

In my office, I witness a veritable parade, particularly of twenty and thirty-somethings, whose social lives revolve around the twelve beers and ten toot Friday and Saturday nights. There is the pregame six-pack followed by the nightlong romp to the bars. How do you know that you will be one of the lucky ones in your group who outgrows this intellectually limiting, cash killing way of spending free time? I am told not to worry, that at some point he/she will cut down on this style of consumption. I see more and more women with distinct alcohol and drug problems inspired by their desire to keep up with the guys. This desire fails to take into account the differences in factors such as body weight, fat content and hormonal levels; factors which combine to cause greater and earlier inebriation in women.

If this mode of social participation sounds familiar, ask yourself if you are developing a multifaceted, progressive relationship or becoming drinking buddies? One of the reasons that I am climbing upon this soapbox is that this tight relationship with excessive quantities of mood-altering chemicals is guaranteed to catch up with your interpersonal relationship. It is just a matter of time. People do things when high that they might not do when straight. Chief among these is cheating. Then there is falling down, having stupid fights, going to bed with people who disgust or annoy you the next day, getting hangovers, crashing cars, and blacking out. Not cute.
I think the final and saddest assumption of all is the thought, “I’ll never find someone. It is hopeless”. Don’t go there! Such disheartening and sorrowful conclusions are the breeding ground for depression and anxiety. It may feel hopeless, but it is not hopeless.

There may be times you find yourself feeling lonely. This can happen even if you have close friends and family. Refrain from idleness, revive your physical health, pursue your creativity, learn something you have always wanted to know, extend yourself to others, do volunteer work, reject self-pity, explore your spirituality, and reach for levity.